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Dick Slaughter's watching Satan feed the Ducks

As a young boy I recall my Grandmother was obsessed with tarot cards, Polly Farmer, curdled French milk and constantly telling me Satan had a stutter and consequently ‘666’ was only partially the number of the beast, and therefore we would never know the real number because the little evil spaz didn’t finish his sentence.

Hence my childhood image of Satan was not one of death and destruction but rather a little man with horns sitting on the special bus licking the windows on his way to feed the ducks at some deserted lake with East Perth supporters.

Now what you young folk need to realise is that your families influence over you never stops. For example my father told me constantly told me that the reason Communism never succeeded was because communists were afraid of white goods. He went to great lengths to explain how Capitalism loves white goods ie fridges, washing machines, golden retrievers and so on. Communists prefered to do everything by hand, eat vegetables and play soccer and that’s what beards do to you son, and that’s why the Jews killed Jesus, and if you ever see a good Dutch man shoot him before he goes bad.’

Okay so Dad was a disturbed man who barracked for Collingwood who didn’t approve of my chosen career as an aspiring adult film star and I remember the day I foolishly questioned that if his view of communists and beards was true then why did Jesus have a beard? Before I could finish my mouthful of fish fingers he told me in no uncertain terms that ‘Jesus wore brown stubbie shorts and he fought the Japs in Papua New Guinea and if I ever spoke such heresy again he would send me to a Welsh Anglican Christian Brothers Rugby Union school. I never spoke back to my father again and gave up my dreams of adult acting and concentrated on becoming a WAFL legend instead, until Barry Cable drove a tractor over me at Lathlain Park one drunken winter’s evening. I swear I never saw Ken Armstrong laugh so much. 

Life sure is a funny old thing.

So don’t take anything for granted in life and always take family advice with a pinch of chicken salt. May your team kick arse over the tough second half of the season.

Heave Ho

Dick the Slaughter WAFL legend.