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Dick Slaughter says shag anything that moves

Greetings FootyGoss Nutbags,
Today I want to discuss our Aussie obsession with sport and why this country needs to start shagging anything that moves.

As an AFL sex therapy consultant I’ve worked with them all – Wayne Carey, Murray the Red Wiggle and the legendary bear tamers from the Great Moscow Circus to name but a few. However I have noticed a disturbing trend of late - Australian’s waning commitment to the cause of serious shagging.

People are hiding behind excuses of poor work/life balance, stress and lack of time – bollocks! If you can’t find 30 minutes to shag something or someone every day, then no wonder you’re stressed out of ya head. If you need to relax then chuck on ‘The Best of Bucks Fizz’, cook up a lamb stir fry from the latest Woman’s Day Jack Van Tongeren cookbook or meditate on the latest new age CD – ‘The sounds of a dying humpback whale in distress’.

I know these are complex times what with Nathan Buckley claiming he’s an ego centric bogan looking hard man readymade AFL coach, Dean Laidley being forced to resign and busk in North Melbourne Housing Estates and Terry Wallace leaving Richmond as yet another in a very long line of loser Tiger coaches, not to mention Kevin Rudd jet setting the globe speaking poor Chinese, getting freebies from dodgy automobile mates whilst eating dolphin sushi in Hiroshima as our WA Footy crisis deteriorates faster than a Mike Munro erection. And let’s not even start on Malcolm Turnbull who wouldn’t know a fake email or a how to mark a footy if it was rammed up his nostril.

See when I was a boy I shagged anything I could get my todger close to – carpet squares, pumpkins, antique French furniture and those big balls of Italian cheese that my grandparents hid under the stairs in case Hitler really wasn’t dead and launched a surprise comeback.

Meanwhile at the recent AFL Hall of Fame Dinner, Guy McKenna swanned around claiming to be on the verge of a new Brisbane AFL Revolution, however Freo and West Coast continue to ‘um’ and ‘argh’ like a drunken pubescent Carlton player at a Fitzroy Strip club. WA Footy needs to take a stand people. Don’t roll over and take it up the clacker because some AFL thug’s obsessed with building the dream in non AFL states that couldn’t give a toss about our great game. We need to send a clear message and refuse to pay the AFL any money until they commit to building us a new stadium to replace the current stadium of disaster that is Subi Oval and furthermore… allow financially struggling Victorian clubs to sell 1 game each minimum to WA to reduce the ridiculous travel commitments on Freo and West Coast.

Forget NSW and Brisbane and let’s save WA footy while we still can.

Don’t forget as Winston Churchill once said, keep it firm and keep it clean.

Till next week,

Dick Slaughter

To learn more about Dick visit http://www.malcolmdix.com