FootyGoss :: All the Latest AFL and WAFL Breaking News

Dick Slaughter - Footy's Druid history bonks Boot Scootin Bogan's

As I sat semi naked last night watching the Dockers win a thriller, someone asked me about the origins of our great game and I suddenly realised I didn’t know a thing about our humble beginnings. From what I can tell the true history of Australian Rules Football remains shrouded in darkness so dark it’s darker than the deepest dark. The AFL believes the game may have originated in Roman Times under the rule of Emperor Mangiagatto. As quickly as it began it just as quickly vanished till the Druids revived the practice in 1054 AD. The Druids practiced the ancient art of football for generations until they were allegedly killed by Nordic giants in 1239AD

Then in 1822 the Druid ruins were discovered in Blackpool by Lord Livermore whilst fighting the French on the Caspian Sea. The Football artefacts were donated to the Museum of London, however lacking a clear understanding of their purpose the Museum passed the game onto the convicts being deported to Australia.

Then in 1842 during the hight of the Australian Gold rush, social problems that had been largely invisible in our sunburnt countryside such as poverty, disease and boot scootin’ became commonplace in the new towns and developing cities. Consequently in a response to growing middle class concerns over the rapid spread of the poor, the focus for social control was moved from corporal punishment to sport. The Government employed Social Workers to try and engage the poor, and these workers of social control were instructed to distribute footballs to young homeless kiddies and randomly erect goal posts in open spaces and farmlands.

As the games popularity spread, thousands came to watch their heroes play a game vastly different from today. The football used in the 1800’s was shaped more like a disfigured human foot, fashioned from possum skins and sealed with emu flour and donkey yeast. The grounds were more perpendicular shaped and the sparsely grassed ovals could be up to 3 times the size of today’s grounds. Each side fielded 35 men and the games could sometimes last 3 days.  The crowds openly distilled and consumed vast quantities of vodka and whisky and ate wallaby and quokka pies while drunkenly abusing umpires who were frequently flogged after matches by blacksmiths and fishmongers.

Today the great game has spread to all corners of the globe and is now the fastest growing sport in South Africa and Iceland. The future of Aussie Rules is exciting indeed and as the real season nears its glorious start, let us all remember the past warriors who paved the way.

Till next week,
Heave ho.

Dick Slaughter.